I spent the night just thinking about the past few years and how much I've evolved since then. I met an old friend of mine a few weeks ago and she reminded me of a few things about myself that I would've rather forgotten. Meeting old friends always leave me with a sense of odd fondness, because there will always be a part of you with them and a part of them with you that no one will ever get to see again. Both of you know each other so well because you grew together and some of your roots are intertwined but at the same time so much of you have grown since you last saw each other and so much of you have evolved and despite knowing each other you so well there's also a large part of each other that you don't know of. It's a completely different feeling from meeting a complete stranger who doesn't know you at all, it's almost an oxymoron because you know each other so well but at the same time.. don't.
I am glad for all the things that happened over the past years. I never thought I'd say this. I never thought that I would place flowers on the grave of my past instead of completely ignoring it. But tonight I read poems by Warsan Shire, poems that I used to read. I searched and read through old journals of mine. There was a period whereby I was searching and searching and searching.
A friend of mine asked me a few months ago, what do you identify as? I spent my whole childhood asking myself the same question and feeling so displaced. People always look at children of mixed race and think, "how beautiful" but truth is it's honestly so much labour. It took me so long to make peace with who I am and to realise that I do not have to fit into a box, that I am my own box and that it is okay to be different, that different doesn't equate to being outcasted or being less.
Over the past years, I learnt how to be alone. I learnt how to be quiet, how to immense myself in solitude and be comfortable with it. I learnt how to take myself out on dates, how to travel alone and be in solitude in bookstores. How to live without being needy of a man's love. I learnt that love is deeply important and that love comes in many many forms and that the sources of love are plenty. I learnt that I am loved and I will continue loving. You can thrive with other sources of love. I learnt that giving out love is equally as important as receiving love, that everyone wants to be loved, and we thrive off love, therefore we must give love. Love and softness builds and causes growth.
I learnt that in my solitude, I can build my own universe. My solitude gives me plenty of space to figure myself out/ to grow as a person, to build my own universe and create little planets and majestic galaxies and fill it with stars and constellations/ to expand my universe before merging it with someone else's universe. My loneliness gave and continues to give me clarity, and it is when I am clear of who I am and where I'm going that I am clearer in my dealings with others. My relationships become more meaningful since we aid in building our own empires, and it is of a mutual growth. All of us have our own universe. Our relationships should be a diplomatic exchange whereby we aid in each other's growth, whereby we merge our empires and create a much larger, stronger and stable empire.
I learnt that when loving, we will -intentionally or accidentally- hurt one another in the process. But it is important to forgive, since we hurt others too and want forgiveness. We are human and we make mistakes. Forgiveness purifies and hatred corrodes the heart.
A few nights ago I lied in bed and thought of the future to the point that my anxiety reached its peak and I was almost on the verge of tears. By Allah's grace, I eventually fell asleep. I haven't felt anxious for quite sometime, and some of the remains of my anxiety from a few days ago is still with me.
I will soon start a new beginning. I am terrible and terrified of new beginnings. I ask Allah for what is best for me, but I have to consistently remind myself that what Allah says is best for me is not necessarily what I think is best for me and not necessarily what I want.
I wrote this as a reminder that I have grown so much, through summer, autumn, winter and spring, and that by Allah's will, I will continue growing.
The world has ended for me many times, and it began again in the morning.
I welcome the future with open arms.
Bismillah.
