We all crave love. We romanticise it, we yearn for it and we want to pursue love, or at least would like to be pursued by love.
By the end of a long day, we enter a dream-like trance, imagining the life we’d someday build with a loved one. A household to call your own. A person to return home to, whom you’d call family.
How do we go about pursuing love in a way that is pleasing to Allah?
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Set Your Intentions
If you’re looking to get married, set your intentions straight. Have the intention in your heart that you’d like to be married in a way that is pleasing to Allah.
Besides setting the intentions to get married, set a firm resolution in your heart that you’d like to be married to avoid and leave actions that are displeasing to Allah.
The Qur’an talks many times regarding those who keep themselves pure and chaste, those who guard their private parts and avoiding getting even close to intercourse before marriage. So if you’re doing anything of that degree: be it having a dating profile, or currently talking aimlessly to a non-Mahram, or currently dating, or gazing, touching, listening to any haram:
reset your intentions and cut off any haram from your life and redirect your intentions to doing that which is pleasing to Allah.
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Make Dua + Talk to Allah!
Allah manages the entire universe, the sun, the moon, the planets, the orbits. Allah is the Owner of the heavens and the Earth and He also manages your affairs. Compare yourself to the universe. You are just a tiny speck of nothingness. Leave your affairs in He who is the most reliable, the most Knowing, the most Wise.
Allah is the One who managed Maryam, the mother of Isa (alayhi salaam)'s affairs. She dedicated her entire life to worshiping Allah in her mihrab, yet received fruits which were out of season. When Prophet Zakariyya (alayhi salaam) saw this, he asked her where she received the fruits from. Her reply was the fruits were from Allah. He then made du'a for a child, although him and his wife were already too old and Allah accepted his du'a and granted his wish although it was humanly impossible! With Allah, nothing is impossible if He wills it. With Allah, it is as easy as "Be!" and it is. These are not merely stories of the past but lessons for us believers.
Have a heartfelt conversation with Allah. Start by praising Him, thanking Him, and tell Him about your intentions, tell Him that you see it as a need for you to get married, tell Him your intentions, tell Him you’d like to stay away from the haram, and pursue that which is halal, tell Him the spouse that you’d like.
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Be Specific
If you’re still aimless about the type of spouse you’d like, please for the love of Allah and the love of your own being and sanity, start being specific!
What are you looking for in a spouse? How religious would you like them to be? How would you like their character to be? What interests would you like them to have? What are your values, what can you compromise on and can’t compromise on? What would you like their values to be? How would you like their outlook in life to be? When would you like to be married by? And while this may sound superficial- how would you like them to look like?
Be specific.
Movies and books always make it seem like romance is whom you lay eyes upon and suddenly the world makes sense, and you just know, but I truly believe that love is gentle, that love is kind, that it’s not a Big Bang moment and not an initial spark, but in shaa Allah love that lasts is a love that is built on similar values coupled with the character of the person.
Many marriages that start with initial spark wouldn’t last or wouldn’t last happily when the couples have very differing or contradicting values. So build on values, and couple it with a personality you find pleasing because this will be the person you will sleep and wake up next to till the end of your life.
While doing this, also look into yourself and be realistic. Your partners values should reflect on your own. So, you gotta know what your values are first.
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Istikarah
Once you are in touch with a suitor, make lots of istikharah! Allah will direct you to what is best for you in this world and the next. The du'a of istikharah is absolutely beautiful. It shows our inability and Allah's perfect ability and our lack of knowledge and Allah's perfect wisdom and knowledge. We humble ourselves and ask Allah to guide us.
"O Allah, I seek Your guidance by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power, I have none. And You know, I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things. O Allaah, if in Your knowledge, this matter (then it should be mentioned by name) is good for me both in this world and in the Hereafter (or: in my religion, my livelihood and my affairs), then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. And if in Your knowledge it is bad for me and for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs (or: for me both in this world and the next), then turn me away from it, [and turn it away from me], and ordain for me the good wherever it may be and make me pleased with it."
Reported by al-Bukhaari, 6841
After istikharah, if it is best for you, the path to marriage will be made smooth sailing for you and that is a sign from Allah. If the path is made difficult and filled with hardships for you, Allah is protecting you from it and saving you for something much better.
Remember that Allah’s laws protect us. He doesn’t oppress us from our needs, rather, He channels them to the right direction: marriage. All the best!
Love,
Aisyah.
