One thing that I wish and pray for is to always have a connection with Allah, regardless of my situation. I want to remember Him when things are good and I want to remember Him when things are bad. It's not always easy to remember God. God is not tangible. He cannot be seen, He cannot be touched, He cannot be heard but the world around us is very much real. Everything is so real and tangible and we get distracted by them all.
Today my heart was really heavy. I am again at the point of my life where decisions have to be made and the child in me wants to avoid it all, go into the cave that is myself, curl up and watch La La Land on repeat and sing on top of my lungs and live in that dreamlike state. I want to watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine and laugh. I want to go to KLCC and try on make up in Sephora and read books in Kinokuniya.
I've been crying for the silliest of things this past week - I'm grateful, therefore I cry. I was sad, so I cried. I was overwhelmed, and tears just fell. I felt small, hence I cried. A lot of new things are happening and all at once. The funniest thing is - I'm getting everything I've ever wanted in life but I can't have everything and I need to prioritise and choose and choosing overwhelms me and money is so important in everything in life and I absolutely hate money.
I couldn't pray for the past week due to my period, and my prayers ground me and keep me afloat. I kept running into situations where I thought "I need to pray" but simply couldn't, and there was nothing more I wanted than to place my head on the floor in prostration and talk to Him. I missed Him, I really did. I could pray yesterday and today, but my prayers were routine-like, simply done in motion. I felt so bad. For 8 days I wanted to pray yet here I was.. yet not doing it properly.
My heart was getting heavier and heavier. I needed to unload to Him, speak to Him, complain to Him, seek His help. I felt so lost.. Finally I had time for Him. In prayer, I tried my best to focus. Mum came in and out of the room, door was left opened, the sound from the television was loud and coming into the room. I tried to remain patient. All I wanted was to speak to Him and I couldn't even get an alone time and space for Him. I tried my best to focus, I was slightly frustrated, I remained patient, focused on my words, spoke to Him.. and finally in I was in my last rakaah in sujood, finally, the closest I could be to Him, I could finally unload.. but instead of complaining, all the problems, confusion and frustration simply turned into gratitude.
Oh Allah, You are the most High. You are the All-Seeing, You see me. You are the All-Hearing, You hear me. You are Al-Muhaimin, the Protector, You protect me. Ya Allah, thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you.
I thanked Him and thanked Him and thanked Him, again and again and again.. and at this point I was sobbing. I reminded myself, "If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]" Surah Ibrahim (14:7)
Finally, I told him, "Alaika tawakkaltu, ya rabbi. Alaika tawakkaltu." I place my trust on You, my Lord. I place my trust on You.
There is no one that I trust more than Him, no connection more important than Him, nothing else mattered but Him. With Him by my side (in shaa Allah), I feel calm. Do right by Him, and He will help me. He has helped me in numerous situations before, and as long as I continue to place my trust upon Him, He will continue to help me, in shaa Allah.
He was there when my anxiety came back and I cried in the train, I cried on my way to college. He was there when thoughts of death filled my head and there was nothing more I wanted but to end my life. He was there when I stared at the train tracks, when I stared at the ground floor from high buildings. I spoke to Him and begged Him.. afraid of my thoughts and the decisions I was considering. He was there when I was insistant on not taking a student loan to avoid riba and despite the money situation.. He helped me. Has there been a time that He disappointed me?
So I thanked Him and thanked Him and thanked Him, knowing that He will provide a way.
