Has life ever weighed down on you, hard? When every atom of you feels like it’s being tested, but you have no choice to go on? You’re a walking shell: functioning, yes, but soulless, empty.
You think you can’t go on anymore but somehow you do, amidst tears and anger and frustration. You keep saying you can’t go on, you keep thinking you can’t go on, you know you can’t go on, but with some weird force (i.e. whatever little iman your heart has), you do.
You tell yourself there is light at the end of the tunnel, but somehow the faster you run towards the light, the more the tunnel seem to stretch, as if the light at the end of the tunnel is running away from you at the same speed that you’re running towards it. In exhaustion, your run becomes slower and slower until it comes to a halt. You stop moving towards the light. In anger, you resort to darkness. Life feels impossible. Every ounce of you wants to succumb, to submit, to just give up, give in, to vanish into nothingness, to just float.
*
It’s April and Ramadan, my two favourite months put together - but this year, it’s my hardest. I wish I had something wise to say, but truth is, I don’t. I’m searching for strength in God, I’m imperfect in every single way, I’m trying my damn best, but even on good days they don’t feel enough.
I was reading the evening adhkar and came across this, “Allah does not charge a soul except (with that within) its capacity. It will have (the consequence of) what (good) it has gained, and it will bear (the consequence of) what (evil) it has earned. "Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people." Surah al-Baqarah
My heart was calmer after that. Do I have a solution to everything that’s currently going on? Honestly, no. Do I see a way out? Also, no. Life still feels impossible, but my Lord is Allah, and He only places burdens that I can shoulder.
I have forgotten Him and erred tremendously - and here is a du’a asking Allah to not impose blame on me for everytime I forgot Him and disobeyed Him. My merciful Lord (Ya Raheem)! My oft-returning Lord (Ya Tawwab)! Thank You for continuously calling me to You, despite my sins.
"Our Lord, do not lay burden upon us as You have laid burden to those before us, which we have no ability to bear." I repeated this again, and again, and again. I am weak, my Lord. Provide me with strength, the Ever Powerful (ya Qawiyy).
"Pardon us, forgive us, and have mercy on us." —
You are our Protector, my Lord. If You grant us Your protection, then who can harm us?
Give us victory, my Lord. Give us victory. Give us victory.
*
This adhkar was then followed by the last few verses from Surah Al-Hashr, which mentions Allah’s beautiful names.
He is Allah - there is no god worthy of worship except Him: Knower of the seen and unseen. He is the Most Compassionate, Most Merciful. He is Allah -there is no god except Him: the King, the Most Holy, the All-Perfect, the Source of Serenity, the Watcher of all, the Almighty, the Supreme in Might, the Majestic. Glorified is Allah far above what they associate with Him in worship! He is Allah: the Creator, the Inventor, the Shaper. He alone has the Most Beautiful Names. Whatever is in the heavens and the earth constantly glorifies Him. And He is the Almighty, All-Wise.
Knowing this, knowing that what is mentioned in these verses is my Lord, who is perfect in every single way, my heart is calmer.. I place my affairs in Allah’s hands.
It makes me.. hopeful again. Not in life, not in the state of my situation, not in my problems, not in those who are involved in what is happening, but hopeful because of Allah and only Him. Because my Lord is Allah, and He is the most perfect.
