Accepting the bad that Allah tests us with..

 مَآ أَصَابَ مِن مُّصِيبَةٍ إِلَّا بِإِذْنِ ٱللَّهِ 

No calamity befalls ˹anyone˺ except by Allah’s Will...

I came across this verse a few days ago and everything just fell into place. I suddenly understood the situation that I was in with absolute clarity. (Note: understood, not solved).

Surah at-Taghabun was one of my favourite surahs, but when I read this verse recently, it was as if I was reading it for the first time. We will always be tested - that is just an undeniable fact in life whether you're a believer or a disbeliever. No one (unfortunately) is 'blessed' enough that life is magical and easy for them. 

We might look at someone else and think that their life is easy, but as my mum says "you might think that the grass is greener on the other side but once you come close, you'll realize that they've got sh-t on their grass too." Pardon my language.

But here's the thing - calamities are from Allah. They happen by Allah's will. Everything in life - good and bad - is from Allah. Allah willed it to happen, therefore it happens. 

What happens, why it happens, when it happens, to whom it happens, where it happens and how it happens - it is ALL by the will and the permission of Allah. 

If Allah did not will for it to happen, it would not have happened. 

There is a famous saying by Imam Shafie (rahimullah), "What is meant for you, will reach you even if it is beneath two mountains. What isn't for you, won't reach you even if it is between your two lips".

When a calamity befalls on you and you think "I could have avoided it if ___" or "This would not have happened if ___" then you have not understood the concept of qadr (divine decree) which is one of the six pillars of our faith. 

It has happened, and it happened purely because Allah willed it to happen.

And we have to have complete sabr (patience) and redha (acceptance) in the situation.

وَمَن يُؤْمِنۢ بِٱللَّهِ يَهْدِ قَلْبَهُۥ ۚ وَٱللَّهُ بِكُلِّ شَىْءٍ عَلِيمٌۭ ١١

And whoever has faith in Allah, He will guide their hearts (through adversity).

 And Allah has (perfect) knowledge of all things.

Here's a key though to unlocking the suffering in the bad that Allah tests us with: imaan (faith) and tawakkal (trust in Allah).

When Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W)'s son passed away, he was saddened. And in his moment of grief, he (S.A.W) said, “Verily the eyes shed tears and the heart grieves, and we are saddened over your departure oh Ibrahim (the son). But we will not say except that which is pleasing to our Lord." 

As believers, we have complete imaan (faith) and tawakkal (trust) in Allah (S.W.T). He has knowledge of all things and although we fail to understand the situation that we are in or the wisdom behind it, we trust Allah completely and continue to have faith in Him.

This does not mean that we are not saddened by the situation that we are in. Nor does it mean that we are magically okay because we have faith and trust in Allah. It means that yes, we feel pain. And yes, we cry. And we grieve. But our lips only utter words that Allah is happy with. 

When we have faith and trust Allah through adversity, Allah will guide our hearts. He will increase us in faith and trust and most importantly, bestow upon us contentment.

Isn't contentment our ultimate goal? For there are those whose lives are easy yet their hearts are not content, and those whose lives are difficult yet their hearts are content...

...and we see this verse in the Qur'an that I have just quoted manifest out of the people of Palestine. Take Khaled, the Palestinian grandfather who uttered the word "Soul of my soul." His faith in Allah and love for his granddaughter touched the whole world. He loved his granddaughter immensely. His heart grieves for her departure and the manner in which she left this world. He held her dead body in his arms, opened her eyes for one last time and said, "She is the soul of my soul". His heart was shattered by her passing, but he is content with the decree of his Lord. SubhanAllah.

*

Life is difficult. It will ALWAYS be filled with tests. May Allah make us among those who - when tested, remain firm in our faith and trust in Him. And may He always guide our hearts.

Note: The verse quoted above is from Surah at-Taghabun (64:11)

life in tests and failures

In a hadith, Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W) said, 

'How wonderful the affair of the believer is! Indeed, all of his affairs are good for him. This is for no one but the believer. If something good happens to him, he is grateful to Allah, which is good for him. And if something bad happens to him, he has patience, which is good for him.'

As Muslims, we believe that everything is from Allah - the good and the bad. During good times, it is easy to view Allah positively, but during bad times, how do we view life and Allah?

Do we grow angry, bitter and resentful? Do we ask 'why me'? Do we question the decisions made by Al-Hakim, the Most Wise? Or do we view our tests in a positive manner - a means to draw closer to Allah, a means of elevating our status as a believer,  a means of expiating our sins, a means of reward, a means to the ultimate and everlasting abode - Jannah?

Prophet Ibrahim (a.s)'s life was filled with tests since he was a child. He was a monotheist in a society that worshipped idols and his own father was an idol-maker. He was thrown into the fire by his people. He left his town.  He got married yet had no child. He got married for a second time, had a son - Isma'il (a.s) and was told to leave his wife and son in the desert. When Isma'il (a.s) grew up, he was commanded to slaughter him. Tests after tests after tests. For most of his life, people did not believe him. 

Yet.. he carries the title 'Khalil Allah' which means 'the close friend of Allah.' 

Imagine the magnitude of the title: The Owner of the heavens and the Earth, the One and only Allah, the One who is free of need, chose Ibrahim (a.s) as his close friend! What an excellent title! 

How did Ibrahim (a.s) earn the title? Surely one of the ways he earned it was by drawing closer to Allah during tests. 

Consider the story of Prophet Nuh (a.s) too. He lived for 950 years - preaching to his people who disbelieved in Allah. By the end of his life, there weren't many believers. In the eyes of humans, he would've been considered a failure because his success rate was so low. However, in the sight of Allah, Prophet Nuh (a.s) was one of the Ulool Azm - one of the 5 best prophets among the 124,000 prophets that were sent! SubhanAllah!

*

Therefore if we want to be true believers just like Prophet Ibrahim (a.s) and Prophet Nuh (a.s), during times of tests, remember Allah. Do not let your test be 'wasted' - in the sense that you go through pain and suffering without gaining anything in return, in this dunya and akhirah. Be patient for the sake of Allah. We sometimes think that we are wasting time by being patient but in the Surah al-Asr in the Qur'an, Allah says that all mankind are in loss except those who...

• Have faith & believe in Allah
• Do good deed 
• Advice others to the truth
• Advice others to patience

Your time in patience is not wasted. Be patient for the sake of Allah.

During times of tests, instead of wallowing in self pity, anger, resentment and bitterness, ask yourself:

• How does Allah want me to act in this situation?
• What is Allah trying to teach me with this experience?
• How can I draw closer to Allah through this test?

Remember that tests and failures are both from Allah, and is not always bad. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.' Surah al-Baqarah (2:216). 

Tests and failures are a means of  drawing closer to Allah, elevating our status as a believer and  expiating our sins. It is a means of rewards and to the ultimate and everlasting abode - Jannah. How merciful is our Lord and how wonderful are the affairs of the believers!

Confusion and Clarity.

Life is a mixture of moments of confusion, followed by moments of clarity. Some periods of time are filled with questions, before you get an answer. They make take a few days, a few months or perhaps even a few years. 

These moments of confusion and uncertainty filled with questions are uncomfortable but necessary for your growth. Often when we are stuck we start to ask why, or to search for the answer of where this particular moment fit in the larger scheme of life.

Rainer Maria Rilke writes in his Letters to a Young Poet, 

“Don't be too quick to draw conclusions from what happens to you; simply let it happen. Otherwise it will be too easy for you to look with blame... at your past, which naturally has a share with everything that now meets you.”

The pious of the past also experienced days or years of trials before they succeeded. Your experiences are not unprecedented. 

Allah says in the Qur'an, 

"No calamity befalls (one), but with the leave of Allah. And whoever believes in Allah, 

He guides his heart. Allah is All-Knowing about everything." 

-Surah At-Taghabun (64:11)

Perhaps the key isn't to avoid calamity. The key is to understand that every calamity that befalls upon us is by Allah's will. The key is to believe and trust Allah in our calamity. And when we believe and trust in Him, Allah will guide our hearts to make the right decisions, and open up doors and make way for us from where we do not expect, as mentioned in Surah at-Talaq (65:3)

We just have to live in these moments. Rainer Maria Rilke writes,

“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

in the depths of despair

Has life ever weighed down on you, hard? When every atom of you feels like it’s being tested, but you have no choice to go on? You’re a walking shell: functioning, yes, but soulless, empty.

You think you can’t go on anymore but somehow you do, amidst tears and anger and frustration. You keep saying you can’t go on, you keep thinking you can’t go on, you know you can’t go on, but with some weird force (i.e. whatever little iman your heart has), you do.

You tell yourself there is light at the end of the tunnel, but somehow the faster you run towards the light, the more the tunnel seem to stretch, as if the light at the end of the tunnel is running away from you at the same speed that you’re running towards it. In exhaustion, your run becomes slower and slower until it comes to a halt. You stop moving towards the light. In anger, you resort to darkness. Life feels impossible. Every ounce of you wants to succumb, to submit, to just give up, give in, to vanish into nothingness, to just float.

*

It’s April and Ramadan, my two favourite months put together - but this year, it’s my hardest. I wish I had something wise to say, but truth is, I don’t. I’m searching for strength in God, I’m imperfect in every single way, I’m trying my damn best, but even on good days they don’t feel enough.

I was reading the evening adhkar and came across this, “Allah does not charge a soul except (with that within) its capacity. It will have (the consequence of) what (good) it has gained, and it will bear (the consequence of) what (evil) it has earned. "Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people." Surah al-Baqarah

My heart was calmer after that. Do I have a solution to everything that’s currently going on? Honestly, no. Do I see a way out? Also, no. Life still feels impossible, but my Lord is Allah, and He only places burdens that I can shoulder.

I have forgotten Him and erred tremendously - and here is a du’a asking Allah to not impose blame on me for everytime I forgot Him and disobeyed Him. My merciful Lord (Ya Raheem)! My oft-returning Lord (Ya Tawwab)! Thank You for continuously calling me to You, despite my sins.

"Our Lord, do not lay burden upon us as You have laid burden to those before us, which we have no ability to bear." I repeated this again, and again, and again. I am weak, my Lord. Provide me with strength, the Ever Powerful (ya Qawiyy).

"Pardon us, forgive us, and have mercy on us." —

You are our Protector, my Lord. If You grant us Your protection, then who can harm us?

Give us victory, my Lord. Give us victory. Give us victory.

*

This adhkar was then followed by the last few verses from Surah Al-Hashr, which mentions Allah’s beautiful names.

He is Allah - there is no god worthy of worship except Him: Knower of the seen and unseen. He is the Most Compassionate, Most Merciful.  He is Allah -there is no god except Him: the King, the Most Holy, the All-Perfect, the Source of Serenity, the Watcher of all, the Almighty, the Supreme in Might, the Majestic. Glorified is Allah far above what they associate with Him in worship!  He is Allah: the Creator, the Inventor, the Shaper. He alone has the Most Beautiful Names. Whatever is in the heavens and the earth constantly glorifies Him. And He is the Almighty, All-Wise.

Knowing this, knowing that what is mentioned in these verses is my Lord, who is perfect in every single way, my heart is calmer.. I place my affairs in Allah’s hands.

It makes me.. hopeful again. Not in life, not in the state of my situation, not in my problems, not in those who are involved in what is happening, but hopeful because of Allah and only Him. Because my Lord is Allah, and He is the most perfect.

peace, privacy and protection.

The older I grow, the more protective I am of my space. Privacy is something I value and peace is essential to me. Whenever someone disrupts my peace or disrespects my boundary or invade my privacy, I would kindly but firmly wish them peace and go my separate way. 

In the past few weeks, two incidents occurred which disrupted my peace. These incidents are on my mind constantly, I keep replaying them again and again in my head which further aggravates me. I am not in a situation where I can easily wave bye-bye to them. I kept asking myself for days, 'why did Allah send these people to me' because in a normal scenario, I wouldn't associate myself with them. 

After a few days of internal rage, I realised that this world will never be a peaceful place because it is a testing ground and a temporary abode. We will forever be tested here: with people, wealth, children. I then replaced the question of 'why did Allah send these people to me' to 'what is Allah trying to teach me through them?' and 'how can I handle the situation better if this occurs again the in the future?'

Now, instead of pointing fingers to them and fueling my rage, I am digging deeper into myself. I thought of Surah Hujurat. I read it, reflected on it. I also reflected on the things that happened and how I can improve it in the future:

    1 - Pause. When something happens, I should pause before reacting to it. The pause may be for a few hours, or if necessary, days. 

    2 - Reflect. I should reflect on WHY it bothers me. Are my boundaries being violated? Are they claiming a right to something they actually do not have a right to? Are they invading my privacy? Why is it disrupting my peace?

    3 - Speak up. Avoiding conflict by remaining silent will not make the conflict disappear, it is just sweeping the mess under the rug. In order to solve the problem or at least ensure that it doesn't repeat itself in the future, I should speak up and be firm. Be kind, but firm. I should stand my ground and stand up for what I believe is right.

♡🎕

As I was reading Surah Hujurat, I also learnt a few lessons for the future:

    1 - Whenever we receive an information, we should investigate it first because false information may harm a group of people. 

We receive information so easily in this digital age and information gets shared instantaneously with a click of the finger without much thought. This was a beneficial reminder. 

    2 - We should make settlement between believers whenever a conflict occurs.

We should fight for the right of those who are oppressed and correct the oppressor until they return to the truth. If the oppressor returns to the truth, we should judge between them justly.

    3 - Believers are brothers.

We should make settlement between people for this reason: we are bonded by Allah and Islam. We should discard our egos and fear Allah. We will then receive mercy from Him. 

    4 - Do not ridicule nor insult one another.

We do not know who is better in the sight of Allah. Only Allah knows. We might be less in the sight of Allah whereas those we ridicule or insult has a better status in Allah's eyes. We should fear Allah in our dealing with others. 

    5 - Avoid assumptions, backbiting and spying.

Stick to the truth, do not make assumptions about other people. In this surah, Allah compares backbiting to cannibalism. The simple thought of eating the flesh of another human was enough to disgust and send chills throughout my body. Similarly, backbiting should have the same effect on us. May Allah guide us. 

    6 - Fear Allah. 

In all situtations, fear Allah. Return to Him and ask Him to guide us back to the truth. I ask Allah to make apparent my mistakes if I am at fault and repent to Him for my wrongdoings.

♡🎕

May Allah protect us, guide us and may we receive His mercy.

Peace and blessings to you.

With humility, 

Aisyah.

Who am I?

 “Who am I?” is a question I ask myself a lot these days. Some days, more than others, it plays like a broken record in my head: who am I? who am I? who am I? and the more I ask myself this question, I am no more nearer to knowing who I am and it feels as if I am getting further and further away from the answer. Some days, more than others, it feels like I am just an outline instead of something solid, definite. It feels like I can fade away into the nothingness.

Today, I had a thought: “what if I’m asking myself the wrong question?” 

Maybe it is unimportant for me to have a grasp of who I am. Maybe it means that I am ever-growing, ever-changing, expanding. After all, we are the metaphors we ascribe ourselves to. Maybe, who I am is slowly being built and made in this uncertainty, in these questions and instead of questioning, I should embrace it, welcome it, live it: one step, one breath, one day at a time. 

I should welcome the unknowing of a situation, and talk and place my trust in Allah, al-Alim, the All-Knowing. I should welcome the uncertainties of a situation, and pour my heart and place my trust in Allah, as-Samad, the Absolute. 

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, 

like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. 

Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. 

And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. 

Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” 

Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

It is part of our fitrah: this brokenness and hole, these uncertainties and questions this greed for the absolute. A crookedness in our fitrah that is made to lead us all back to Him.

Confronting Doubts and Asking (Necessary) Questions.

PART I

(also published on my other blog)

As a child, I always asked the question "why". In order for Little Aisyah's brain to process something, she needed to know the reason behind it. My questions never came from a place to challenge or to mock. It always came from a place of sincerity, curiosity and a genuine need to understand. However, my questions were not always answered by the adults in my life: especially those who were in a position to educate me, people who were supposed to be people who my source of knowledge and were supposed to know the answers. I was always told to not ask too many questions and to do as I'm told.

Perhaps it is part of the Nusantara culture: to be quiet and obey. I see it in my parents too: my Punjabi dad is the one to voice out his concerns and questions out loud, while my Javanese mum would silently carry out any commands. My dad would encourage me to think, to ask, to understand, to read more and know whereas my mum is more practical and hands-on and would encourage me to focus on actions rather than accumulation of knowledge. 

Unfortunately this culture applies to religious knowledge and upbringing too. Children would be told to not question and when they do, they are dismissed and swept under the rug. At times, they are shamed and ridiculed. These children grow up to be adults with lack of understanding of the religion, hearts filled with doubts and we wonder where we go wrong. 

Prophet Ibrahim (alayhi salaam) was born in a society where people worshiped idols. Although he was just a child, he knew that idols could not be God. He wanted to know who the true God was. Allah describes the story of Ibrahim (alayhi salaam) in Surah al-An'am (6:74-83):

And when Abraham said to his father Azar, "Do you take idols as deities? Indeed, I see you and your people to be in manifest error." And thus did We show Abraham the realm of the heavens and the earth that he would be among the certain (in faith). So when the night covered him (with darkness), he saw a star. He said, "This is my lord." But when it set, he said, "I like not those that disappear." And when he saw the moon rising, he said, "This is my lord." But when it set, he said, "Unless my Lord guides me, I will surely be among the people gone astray." And when he saw the sun rising, he said, "This is my lord; this is greater." But when it set, he said, "O my people, indeed I am free from what you associate with Allah . Indeed, I have turned my face toward He who created the heavens and the earth, inclining toward truth, and I am not of those who associate others with Allah."

Prophet Ibrahim (alayhi salaam) had a genuine curiosity. He knew that God existed, but he didn't know who was God. Therefore he observed his environment and wondered to himself, 'Who is God?' He did not dismiss his questions, he wanted the truth and he searched for it. Finally, he found his answer: God is not the idols, the stars, moon and the sun. God is He who created the heavens and the earth - the Almighty Allah. Prophet Ibrahim (alayhi salaam) wouldn't have gotten an answer if he didn't confront his doubts and the questions that he had in his mind.

On the contrary, the Qur'an also describes the story of Bani Isra'il, also known as the Children of Isra'il. They were also asking questions - just like Ibrahim (alayhi salaam) did. Their story is described in Surah al-Baqarah which in English, literally translates as 'The Cow'. Allah says in (2:67-71):

And when Moses said to his people, "Indeed, Allah commands you to slaughter a cow." They said, "Do you take us in ridicule?" He said, "I seek refuge in Allah from being among the ignorant." They said, "Call upon your Lord to make clear to us what it is." (Musa) said, "(Allah) says, 'It is a cow which is neither old nor virgin, but median between that,' so do what you are commanded." They said, "Call upon your Lord to show us what is her color." He said, "He says, 'It is a yellow cow, bright in color - pleasing to the observers.' "They said, "Call upon your Lord to make clear to us what it is. Indeed, cows look alike to us. And indeed we, if Allah wills, will be guided." He said, "He says, 'It is a cow neither trained to plow the earth nor to irrigate the field, one free from fault with no spot upon her.' " They said, "Now you have come with the truth." So they slaughtered her, but they could hardly do it.

The Children of Isra'il had a simple commandment: slaughter a cow. They had many questions before they could carry out the command of Allah. Each time their question was answered, but they had more questions and still had not carried out Allah's command. In the end, the matter became so difficult upon them because of how detailed the description became. However, the larger problem was the fact that they were asking the questions not to gladly submit to Almighty Allah, but as a deterrent to carry out the command. They did it in the end, but they were hardly able to and almost didn't. What was the difference between the questions of Prophet Ibrahim (alayhi salaam) and the questions of the Children of Isra'il? 

Prophet Ibrahim (alayhi salaam) was curious and wanted to know the truth so that He could submit himself to Allah whereas the Children of Isra'il's questions were asked so that they can avoid submitting themselves to Allah. 

I am a firm believer that we could not bottle up our doubts. If there is something within Islam that you don't understand, I would highly encourage you to seek your answers. Be curious, but be genuine and sincere. The first One you should turn to for your questions is Allah. Make du'a to Him and sincerely ask Him to guide you to the truth, just like Ibrahim (alayhi salaam) asked Allah while he was observing the stars, moon and the sun. Allah is Al-Hadi - the Guide. Put your trust in Him and He will guide you. However, have patience in your heart. Some answers will take time to unravel themselves. Sometimes it takes seconds, sometimes years. I pray that we find the answers that we are looking for and that Allah strengthens our hearts and our faiths with it. May we be among those who are guided.

Lots of love,

Aisyah.

dreaming of love.

We all crave love. We romanticise it, we yearn for it and we want to pursue love, or at least would like to be pursued by love. 

By the end of a long day, we enter a dream-like trance, imagining the life we’d someday build with a loved one. A household to call your own. A person to return home to, whom you’d call family. 

How do we go about pursuing love in a way that is pleasing to Allah? 

♡

Set Your Intentions 

If you’re looking to get married, set your intentions straight. Have the intention in your heart that you’d like to be married in a way that is pleasing to Allah. 

Besides setting the intentions to get married, set a firm resolution in your heart that you’d like to be married to avoid and leave actions that are displeasing to Allah. 

The Qur’an talks many times regarding those who keep themselves pure and chaste, those who guard their private parts and avoiding getting even close to intercourse before marriage. So if you’re doing anything of that degree: be it having a dating profile, or currently talking aimlessly to a non-Mahram, or currently dating, or gazing, touching, listening to any haram: 

reset your intentions and cut off any haram from your life and redirect your intentions to doing that which is pleasing to Allah. 

♡

Make Dua + Talk to Allah! 

Allah manages the entire universe, the sun, the moon, the planets, the orbits. Allah is the Owner of the heavens and the Earth and He also manages your affairs. Compare yourself to the universe. You are just a tiny speck of nothingness. Leave your affairs in He who is the most reliable, the most Knowing, the most Wise. 

Allah is the One who managed Maryam, the mother of Isa (alayhi salaam)'s affairs. She dedicated her entire life to worshiping Allah in her mihrab, yet received fruits which were out of season. When Prophet Zakariyya (alayhi salaam) saw this, he asked her where she received the fruits from. Her reply was the fruits were from Allah. He then made du'a for a child, although him and his wife were already too old and Allah accepted his du'a and granted his wish although it was humanly impossible! With Allah, nothing is impossible if He wills it. With Allah, it is as easy as "Be!" and it is. These are not merely stories of the past but lessons for us believers.

Have a heartfelt conversation with Allah. Start by praising Him, thanking Him, and tell Him about your intentions, tell Him that you see it as a need for you to get married, tell Him your intentions, tell Him you’d like to stay away from the haram, and pursue that which is halal, tell Him the spouse that you’d like. 

♡

Be Specific 

If you’re still aimless about the type of spouse you’d like, please for the love of Allah and the love of your own being and sanity, start being specific!

What are you looking for in a spouse? How religious would you like them to be? How would you like their character to be? What interests would you like them to have? What are your values, what can you compromise on and can’t compromise on? What would you like their values to be? How would you like their outlook in life to be? When would you like to be married by? And while this may sound superficial- how would you like them to look like? 

Be specific.

Movies and books always make it seem like romance is whom you lay eyes upon and suddenly the world makes sense, and you just know, but I truly believe that love is gentle, that love is kind, that it’s not a Big Bang moment and not an initial spark, but in shaa Allah love that lasts is a love that is built on similar values coupled with the character of the person. 

Many marriages that start with initial spark wouldn’t last or wouldn’t last happily when the couples have very differing or contradicting values. So build on values, and couple it with a personality you find pleasing because this will be the person you will sleep and wake up next to till the end of your life. 

While doing this, also look into yourself and be realistic. Your partners values should reflect on your own. So, you gotta know what your values are first. 

♡

Istikarah

Once you are in touch with a suitor, make lots of istikharah! Allah will direct you to what is best for you in this world and the next. The du'a of istikharah is absolutely beautiful. It shows our inability and Allah's perfect ability and our lack of knowledge and Allah's perfect wisdom and knowledge. We humble ourselves and ask Allah to guide us.

"O Allah, I seek Your guidance by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power, I have none. And You know, I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things. O Allaah, if in Your knowledge, this matter (then it should be mentioned by name) is good for me both in this world and in the Hereafter (or: in my religion, my livelihood and my affairs), then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. And if in Your knowledge it is bad for me and for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs (or: for me both in this world and the next), then turn me away from it, [and turn it away from me], and ordain for me the good wherever it may be and make me pleased with it."

Reported by al-Bukhaari, 6841

After istikharah, if it is best for you, the path to marriage will be made smooth sailing for you and that is a sign from Allah. If the path is made difficult and filled with hardships for you, Allah is protecting you from it and saving you for something much better.

Remember that Allah’s laws protect us. He doesn’t oppress us from our needs, rather, He channels them to the right direction: marriage. All the best! 

Love,

Aisyah.

April and Ramadan 2020.

Bismillah. Salaam and hi!

It's April and Ramadan - two of my favourite months combined together - and I couldn't miss the opportunity to update this space after months of disappearing. How is your Ramadan going so far?

This year's Ramadan is significantly different from my previous Ramadan. I'm with a new family, Malaysia's implementing a Restricted Movement Order (RMO) due to Covid-19 so I can't see my own family except through FaceTime and WhatsApp calls despite the fact that they live 5 kilometres away and the usual Ramadan routine and projects that I've had since I was 17 years old which kept me busy before have been abandoned due to the RMO and also due to the fact that I am married. 

On top of all, I haven't been feeling my best-self since Ramadan started, and I couldn't fast daily and whenever I do, it drains the energy out of me and leaves me feeling sick after I break my fast, which has left me frustrated and in tears. 

A couple of nights ago I was reading the Qur'an and stumbled upon this verse:

"And establish prayer and give zakah, and whatever good you put forward for yourselves - you will find it with Allah. Surely, Allah sees all that you do."

Al Baqarah (2:110)

Reading that made my heart feel full and brought tears to my eye. I was feeling so futile and felt that I wasn't doing what I was supposed to because I simply wasn't able to do so, and whatever good I was doing did not feel sufficient. When I read that, I was comforted by the fact that Allah sees that I am trying and whatever good that I was doing will be with Allah, with His will.

I've made a few goals this Ramadan and have kept it simple but I have one main goal.

Ramadan 2020: 

I want to read the Qur'an in understanding this year.

I used to set goals to finish the Qur'an in Arabic in the past Ramadans because Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W) used to recite the entire Qur'an to Angel Jibril (A.S) in Ramadan and in the year of his death, he recited it to Angel Jibril (A.S) twice. 

Although I've finished the Qur'an in Arabic a few times, I've never read the Qur'an in its entirety in any language that I understood because:

1. Finishing the Qur'an in Arabic is emphasised upon by the people around me since Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W) did it, but what I failed to understand was that Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W) read the Qur'an in his mother tongue and in a language that he understood.

2. In the past I found it difficult to understand the format in which the Qur'an was written in and the relevance between one story to another within the same surah and sometimes some concepts were way above my head. Alhamdulillah tafsir classes in college has widened my perspective of the Qur'an and made me fall in love and understand it in a way that I've never before. I understand why Allah speaks the way He does, I find wisdom and awe in His rulings and stories and questions and relevance to the topics mentioned in my life. 

This Ramadan, I've been taking it slow and reading the Qur'an and referring to tafsir and just soaking in all in and I've been excited and amazed by what I've been reading so far. I want to read in reflection this year and my goal is no longer to finish the Qur'an by the end of Ramadan but to embark on this journey of understanding Allah's words, reflecting upon it and hope to come out of Ramadan a better person and to continue to be on this journey for the rest of my life, in shaa Allah. ♡

Besides that, I've been playing a lot of board games since being stuck at home and have a few personal favourites. I've learnt to love Monopoly and CLUEDO and the different variations / editions of each game. Buuuuut, what I wanted to share is an Islamic board game by a company called Goodword. This has also made me realise my lack of knowledge when it comes to the Qur'an which put me to shame. More reasons to read the Qur'an in understanding, hahaha.

Although this board game is aimed for children 5-10 years old, I can safely say I don't know any child who would be able to answer all these questions, and I teach 5-10 year olds Islamic studies. There's also Quran Challenge Game for adults which has 600 questions (I don't have it yet since unfortunately it is out of stock) and Hadith Challenge Game. It's a fun way to learn more. 10/10 would recommend all of them. 

Lastly, I finished reading the biography of Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W) called When the Moon Split. I've used it in the past for my sirah class in college and recommended it in my monthly favourites, but I'd like to recommend it again since I read it cover-to-cover this time. The author uses authentic sources and he wrote the biography in an easy to understand, story-like manner which I loved.

That is it for now. I'm sure Ramadan is different for all of you too and hope you have a beneficial Ramadan regardless of the current situation. Let's do our best and make the most out of it. 

"...and whatever good you put forward for yourselves - you will find it with Allah. Surely, Allah sees all that you do." :)

Lots of love, 

Aisyah.

little life reminders for the future.

I will soon be getting married in November, in shaa Allah. This process has been facilitated and made easy by Allah, and He is the best of planners. I am both excited and nervous for my life to come.

I woke up one morning and was suddently hit by the realisation that getting married is more than just being with The Mister and its will be a whole shift in my life and his too. My decisions are no longer what benefits me, but what benefits us. My life can no longer just focus and revolve around me because he will be a part of it too. It scared me for a while because I am at the stage in life where the decisions that I make are domino-decisions which would have a knock on effect on.. well the rest of my life. I'm really grateful that the man I will be with has been kind, understanding and patient (and pray that he continues to be kind, understanding and patient towards me too and me to him) and my nervousness has subsided and been replaced with an immense sense of gratitude. Alhamdulillah.

As I step into and begin this new journey of life, I want to write to remind myself of a few advices I've picked up from other people and a few realisations I've had as well.

♡

Remember Allah constantly and thank Him 

Slowly falling in love is beautiful and I never knew that I am capable of experiencing such gooey feelings and cheesiness in my heart. It's so easy to be distracted by your significant other and start to dedicate more of your thoughts to this beautiful creation of God rather than God himself.

Remind yourself that when you're married, half of your deen is completed. Strive to complete the other half. One advice that stuck with me is: "Remember that the heart of the person you love is in the hands of your Creator." 

So work hard with your relationship with God first, then work hard with your relationship with your significant other. Pray that it all falls into place, in shaa Allah.

♡ 

Know your rights, but focus on your responsibilities 

Marriage is a relationship between two people. We have all lived our whole lives focused on one thing and one thing only: ourselves. After living for more than twenty years of being focused on just yourself, you have to move a little bit and make space in your life for a whole other person. The self-centredness needs to go. Your life no longer just revolves around you.

In order to remove the self centredness, focus on what you can give to your significant other rather than what you should receive from them. Questions to ask yourself:

↠ What can I do for my significant other? 

↠ What can I give to my significant other? 

↠ How do I improve my relationship with my significant other?

This shifts the focus from being self-centred and being in the habit of blaming your significant other when things go wrong to being self-accountable and improving the relationship. If both parties focus on what they can give rather than what they should receive, there's an equal contribution to make the relationship better instead of two parties thinking ME ME ME and giving little or nothing in return.

♡ 

you will most probably fight

There will be ups and there will be downs. You will fight and there will be conflicts, misunderstandings and different expectations. It is inevitable. Don't run away from them, don't repress these feelings. Face them. Talk, talk, talk. 

♡ 

COM-MU-NI-CATE

Listen: Those swirling thoughts in your head needs to be addressed. They can't stay in your head and will not be solved by staying in your head. Talk and pray that your significant other is a good listener, haha. Search for the right time and mood, lay it all out with kindness, talk and address the issues.

Encourage your significate other to communicate with you, too. Listen and see where they are coming from. See and try to understand their point of views too. Compromise and search for a middle ground in case there are differences. 

Most important advice and reminder: ISTIKHARAH.

♡ 

Respect, Patience, Kindness and Love

"And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates 

that you may find tranquillity in them; 

and He placed between you affection and mercy. 

Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought."

-Surah ar-Rum, verse 21

I honestly and genuinely pray to Allah that I will forever and always have respect, patience, kindness and love for my significant other & I pray to Allah that he places in my significant other's heart respect, patience, kindness and love for me too. 

This goes back to the subject of communication but also tied to the subject of respect, patience, kindness and love. I recently stumbled upon an Instagram page that's amazing and I've been taking notes. They're short and straightforward, which I love. Here are some that I saved:

↠ Support Looks Like

↠ Love People Enough To...

↠ 6 Ways to Practice Non-Judgement

↠ Apologise Like This

♡ 

what happens at home, stays at home

You will disagree, you will fight, you will have bad times. You will also agree, you will love each other and you will have good times. Whatever happens between you and your significant other stays between the two of you. 

You may fight and reconcile with your significant other, but once you tell other people about their faults, other people never forget even if you have forgiven and forgotten about it. Your significant other's reputation in their eyes have been stained.

You would not want your significant other to complain and speak about your faults to other people. Therefore, whatever happens between you and your significant other stays between the two of you. It doesn't reach your mum, your dad, your best friend(s), your acquaintances, your workmates, schoolmates, nada. You want to complain? Take your prayer mat out and cry to Allah. Cover the faults and deficiencies of your significant other. Protect them. 

Allah says in the Qur'an: "They are your garments, and you are their garments."[1] What does a garment do? It covers and protect. More here [link]. 

[1] Source: Surah al-Baqarah, verse 187

♡ 

You will learn, just be patient

This was something I genuinely needed to hear from my married friends: calm down, it's normal to feel nervous, it IS a big life change but you will learn the things that you don't know and you'll get a hang of it soon enough. It's gonna be beautiful and you'll love it. In shaa Allah.

That is it for now.
Aisyah.

days in this haze

the days have been hazy and calm. there were many emotions, thoughts and plans, and they all reached their peak of intensity and have slowly started to dwindle down and been replaced with a soft and quiet lull. i was early to work today. parked my car by a tree with orange and pink flowers, and saw a bright orange butterfly flying around the flower before sitting on it. i sat in the car with so much peace in my heart: an emotion that has been foreign to me for a few months now. so much has been happening: mostly amazing things that i wouldn't trade anything for but now i have time to breathe, and exist, and relax and simply.. be. it's a nice feeling.

i sat there just watching the orange butterfly for a few minutes before making my way out of the car. went to the tree, but the orange butterfly was missing. i walked around the tree and found that the butterfly has made a friend, and the two of them: two bright orange pairs of wings just dancing around each other, flying higher in circles before plunging down together and settling down onto two different flowers. it was a beautiful sight to see. i stood there for a few more seconds, taking it all in before walking to my workplace. i heard the birds chirping, soothing my soul. it's been hazy, so it was not hot and i did not sweat. days in this haze have been calm and nice.

❀

space and quietness is vital to me. it gives me clarity. these past few weeks of lull have brought out a side of me that i have almost forgotten. i am filled with ideas and excitement once again. i can be the romantic realist i want to be: with focus on the romanticism. i have been reading and researching and writing and i have so many ideas for my classes and i have my classes prepared in advance. i have little side projects i want to do. i'm glad that i'm meeting this side of me again. alhamdulillah.

❀

it is important to know what brings you peace and to know the habits, actions and people who disrupt your peace. sometimes the habit, action or person that disrupts your peace has been such an integral part of your life that you go a long period of time brushing off the fact that: this no longer serves my growth or brings me peace. on the contrary, it is weighing me down. it's a sad realisation too, because now you'll have to move on in life without this habit, this action or this person that you've grown so accustomed to or have grown fond of. but peace is necessary. it is vital.

reflecting back on the past few months, if i could do it all again, i would change a few things. i wouldn't brush off things that didn't bring me peace. if i had confronted these issues earlier, maybe the peace would've stayed. moving forward, this is something i would like to do more often: i'd like to be more honest (first and foremost to myself) and face issues that are disrupting my peace. no more brushing off matters that disrupt my peace to avoid conflicts and confrontations. 

• if i have a habit that disrupts my peace, i have to be honest and confront myself. regardless of how much i enjoy that habit. haha
• if someone's action is disrupting my peace, i have to confront the person and be honest with them, with hopes that they understand that their action is the problem.
• if there is a person disrupting my peace, i'll have to make the choice to be honest with the person or to set some boundaries between us. 

the days have been hazy.. but days in this haze has surprisingly brought so much clarity. i hope you have peaceful days and have peace in your heart too. salaam. ♡

Allah's Love and His Mercy.

When you feel unworhty and feel like you're drowning in sins to the point of hopelessness.. remember, the Lord that you worship is:

• al-Ghaffar (the One who forgives despite the quantity of sins)
• al-Ghaffur (the One who forgives despite the quality of sins)
• al-Afuww (the One to completely erase our sins)
• at-Tawwab (He who constantly turns man to repentance)

We often equate Allah's quality of forgiveness with a regular human's quality of forgiveness but there is nothing like Him. [1]

☆ A human forgives but only a few times before they feel tired and used. Allah forgives again and again and again, without fail. He doesn't feel tired of it. He is al-Ghaffar, the One who forgives sins regardless of its quantity. 

☆ A human forgives but it depends on how grave the mistake is. If it is a small mistake, perhaps we can overlook and bring ourselves to forgive a person. However, if it is a big mistake which we feel have trangressed beyond bounds and our limits, we may not forgive the person. Allah forgives, regardless of how big or small the sin is. He is al-Ghaffur.

☆ A human forgives but does not forget. We are weary and careful for the person to make the same mistake yet again - afraid to feel stupid to fall into the same hole twice. When Allah forgives, He forgives our sins completely. He is Al-Afuww. 

If sins and mistakes are a tree, when a human forgives, it is as if they cut the tree from the bark, leaving the roots intact. We still remember. When Allah forgives, He forgives completely. He removes the roots, and covers the ground as if there the tree did not exist in the first place. He forgives as if we did not sin - although we have sinned time and time and time again. There is a du'a of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon Him) about Allah, al-Afuww. It says, "O Allah, indeed You are Pardoning, You love pardon, so pardon me." [2] 

Allah loves to forgive - everytime I read this I am hit by awe. It is such a strange concept - to love to forgive. Who loves to forgive? When I am betrayed, I wish there wasn't a betrayal in the first place! I hate to forgive, I bring myself to forgive but Allah, the Most Merciful loves to forgive. It is a part of His attribute. Subhanak, ya Rabbi (Glory be to You, my Lord).

☆ Allah is the Owner of the heavens and the Earth. He is not affected by our worship or belief. Whether or not we worship Him or believe in Him, it doesn't decrease His majesty. We are the Ones in desperate need of Him. Whenever we commit a sin, we have committed an unfairness towards ourselves. We betray ourselves. We are causing ourselves hardship and destruction. Despite being unaffected by our good deeds or bad deeds, Allah still calls us back to Him as a sign of His mercy. He is at-Tawwab. He shows us His signs, He makes us feel guilt, He reveals to us that our sins would result in His anger and punishment so that we are deterred from them. He calls us back to Him - again and again and again. You are not a lost cause. You are still loved. Allah is calling you back to Him. Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim, Ya Dhul Maghfirah, Wasi' al-Maghfirah.. (Oh the Merciful, the Compassionate, the Possessor of forgiveness, expansive in forgiveness).

"Our Lord, we have wronged ourselves, 

and if You do not forgive us and have mercy upon us, 

we will surely be among the losers." [3]

--

Source: 

[1] Surah al-Ikhlas 112:4 (Link)
[2] Jami' at Tirmidhi 3513 (Link)

[3] Surah al-A'raf 7:23 (Link)

Journey of Faith.

Iman rises and it falls. It doesn’t remain stagnant. The heart tosses and turns. It isn’t stable. In Arabic, the word heart itself (qalb) comes from the root word (qa-la-ba) which means tossing and turning.

Some days you feel so close to God. Everything you see and hear inspire you to get closer to God. All of your actions draw you closer to God. Some days you feel so far away from God. You feel detached, unworthy, losing the connection.

When we make a promise to ourselves to know God better and to love and worship Him as He deserves to be loved and worshipped, we have to bear in mind that this journey will be quite a bumpy ride. There will be time when your iman is high and similarly, there are times when your iman comes crashing down that you wonder how could the best and the worst state exist within you. How do you reconcile between the two?

Sometimes when I'm stuck in the cycle of sin, it would make me feel so ashamed of myself that it would deter me from God completely. I’d feel filthy, unworthy and sick of myself that I couldn’t bring myself to face God. There were days that I prayed but they were just movements. There were days that I missed my prayers in shame. There were days that I continued in sin, because I felt like a lost cause. It would go on for a few hours, or a few days, to the point that I feel so empty and I return back to God in desperation of feeling contentment once again and feeling absurd since I took away my contentment by sinning. But I felt compelled to sin, drawn towards sin, wanted to bask myself in sin so I sinned anyway only to be filled with shame and sadness afterwards.

I’ve recently developed a thicker skin. After I sin, regardless of the shame I feel, I pull myself together and tell God: “I am adamant on returning to You.” And I’ll repeat this again and again and again. “Oh Allah, I have sinned, but I am adamant on going back to you.”

Today as I was walking and thinking about this sentence, I was reminded of the man who murdered ninety-nine people. Despite his sins (killing is a major sin in Islam), he wanted to return to God. He went to search for a righteous scholar to ask him if God would forgive his sins. The scholar replied that God wouldn’t, and in anger, he killed the scholar too, making him his hundredth kill.

Now he has murdered one hundred people. Yet he still wanted to return to God! He continued with his journey, and before he could find another righteous scholar to give him an answer as to whether God will forgive him or not, he passed away.

The angels of mercy and angels of punishment debated: is this man a good man promised paradise, or is he filled with bad deeds and doomed to hell? 

Due to the fact that he was determined in his journey towards God, and that he was closer to righteousness than his past deeds, in the end, his sins were forgiven.

Moral of the story: We have to be determined in our journey towards God, regardless of our sins, or shame, or guilt. We have to return back to God.

--

Source: Sahih Bukhari 3470 (Link)

Life is so much calmer with Allah.

Life is so much calmer with Allah. As believers, we worry, we feel sad and we feel anger but there is a calmness that comes with it too - an anchor that keeps the boat steady and rooted even when the waves are violent: and that is Allah.

Over the years I’ve felt the power of dua and how it is our weapon, a weapon strong enough to even change what has been written in Lauh al Mahfuz, a weapon strong enough to change our fates. [1]

And over the years I’ve felt the calmness that comes with istikharah, and being denied of things that I cried over and over again for, that I begged Allah for but never gotten — only to be redirected to a better path, a path that is much better than the one I begged for. 

SubhanAllah it’s unbelievable everytime I think about it. It’s true what Allah said, “But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” [2]

Now when my heart is fond of something, or when I am confused over my decisions, or when I am scared and nervous and overwhelmed, I turn to Allah. 

Is this really good for me, ya Rabb? Oh Allah, You are my creator, You created me out of nothing, and at one point I am unmentioned, unheard of, and you made me, ya Rabbi. I bow down in prayer and say the du'a of istikharah:

"O Allaah, I seek Your guidance [in making a choice] by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power, I have none. And You know, I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things. O Allaah, if in Your knowledge, this matter (then it should be mentioned by name) is good for me both in this world and in the Hereafter (or: in my religion, my livelihood and my affairs), then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. And if in Your knowledge it is bad for me and for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs (or: for me both in this world and the next), then turn me away from it, [and turn it away from me], and ordain for me the good wherever it may be and make me pleased with it." [3] 

Help me, my Lord..

——

[1] "Nothing can change the Divine decree except du’aa’." (Narrated by Ahmad, 5/677; Ibn Maajah, 90; al-Tirmidhi, 139. 

Classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 76687. See also al-Saheehah, 145).

[2] Surah al Baqarah (2:216)

[3] Reported by al-Bukhaari, 6841; similar reports are also recorded by al-Tirmidhi, al-Nisaai, Abu Dawood, Ibn Maajah and Ahmad.

Yes, you CAN sit with us.

My friend showed me a video of a Muslim woman who had an abortion. She felt alone and isolated by the Muslim community and in order to cope with her pain and loss, she resorted to tattooing for a closure. I don't know the circumstances that led to her getting an abortion, but even if it was something that Islam does not promote and agree with, did we as a Muslim community have to isolate a fellow sister? We repeat that Allah is ar-Rahman and ar-Raheem, the Most Gracious and the Most Merciful. We say that Allah is al-Ghafur and al-Afuww, the Most Forgiving. If the Lord that we believe in is as such, aren't we supposed to have such qualities too?

After watching the video I felt sad for what she had to go through, and I couldn't shake off the feeling that as Muslims, we need to do better.  Sometimes people who are religious may be elite. Maybe its self-preservation: the fear of falling into sin or what is displeasing to God. But maybe it is also pride, the holier-than-thou attitude.

 

It instantly reminded me of Mean Girls and the attitude of "you can't sit with us". You cannot sit with us because you're not cool enough. Or religious enough. Or you commit too many sins. Or not Muslim enough for me.

As if we are all promised Jannah just by believing in Him. As if we can guarantee that we were a thousand percent sincere when we did our deeds. As if our good deeds are guaranteed to be accepted.

We must remember that the opportunity to learn Islam on a deeper level is a means towards God, not the end goal in itself.​

The woman now runs a tattoo parlour for women, particularly women, so they can have a space to discuss abortion and tattoos. And it breaks my heart that unIslamic methods are resorted to instead of the Islamic ones.. Why don't we have safe spaces where people can come to and talk about the things that they fear and struggle with without the fear of being judged? Even if that means that they're struggling with alcohol, drugs, sex or whatever not. Is religion just for the already good and already perfect? Aren't we all struggling with something in our religious journeys? Aren't we all scared of being judged by others? 

Islam was sent as a mercy to mankind. Prophet Muhammad was sent as a mercy to mankind. But sometimes we Muslims? We don't act as if this religion centres around the concept of mercy. And we gotta do better. We really have to do better as individuals and collectively as an ummah.

The Lost Sunnah: Empathy

Kekecewaan Dengan Orang Agama oleh Brother Hasrizal

This is in Malay. Apologies. Translation of the title: Frustrated by Religious People

A connection, submission and reliance.

One thing that I wish and pray for is to always have a connection with Allah, regardless of my situation. I want to remember Him when things are good and I want to remember Him when things are bad. It's not always easy to remember God. God is not tangible. He cannot be seen, He cannot be touched, He cannot be heard but the world around us is very much real. Everything is so real and tangible and we get distracted by them all. 

Today my heart was really heavy. I am again at the point of my life where decisions have to be made and the child in me wants to avoid it all, go into the cave that is myself, curl up and watch La La Land on repeat and sing on top of my lungs and live in that dreamlike state. I want to watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine and laugh. I want to go to KLCC and try on make up in Sephora and read books in Kinokuniya. 

I've been crying for the silliest of things this past week - I'm grateful, therefore I cry. I was sad, so I cried. I was overwhelmed, and tears just fell. I felt small, hence I cried. A lot of new things are happening and all at once. The funniest thing is - I'm getting everything I've ever wanted in life but I can't have everything and I need to prioritise and choose and choosing overwhelms me and money is so important in everything in life and I absolutely hate money. 

I couldn't pray for the past week due to my period, and my prayers ground me and keep me afloat. I kept running into situations where I thought "I need to pray" but simply couldn't, and there was nothing more I wanted than to place my head on the floor in prostration and talk to Him. I missed Him, I really did. I could pray yesterday and today, but my prayers were routine-like, simply done in motion. I felt so bad. For 8 days I wanted to pray yet here I was.. yet not doing it properly. 

My heart was getting heavier and heavier. I needed to unload to Him, speak to Him, complain to Him, seek His help. I felt so lost.. Finally I had time for Him. In prayer, I tried my best to focus. Mum came in and out of the room, door was left opened, the sound from the television was loud and coming into the room. I tried to remain patient. All I wanted was to speak to Him and I couldn't even get an alone time and space for Him. I tried my best to focus, I was slightly frustrated, I remained patient, focused on my words, spoke to Him.. and finally in I was in my last rakaah in sujood, finally, the closest I could be to Him, I could finally unload.. but instead of complaining, all the problems, confusion and frustration simply turned into gratitude. 

Oh Allah, You are the most High. You are the All-Seeing, You see me. You are the All-Hearing, You hear me. You are Al-Muhaimin, the Protector, You protect me. Ya Allah, thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. 

I thanked Him and thanked Him and thanked Him, again and again and again.. and at this point I was sobbing. I reminded myself, "If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]" Surah Ibrahim (14:7) 

Finally, I told him, "Alaika tawakkaltu, ya rabbi. Alaika tawakkaltu." I place my trust on You, my Lord. I place my trust on You.

There is no one that I trust more than Him, no connection more important than Him, nothing else mattered but Him. With Him by my side (in shaa Allah), I feel calm. Do right by Him, and He will help me. He has helped me in numerous situations before, and as long as I continue to place my trust upon Him, He will continue to help me, in shaa Allah. 

He was there when my anxiety came back and I cried in the train, I cried on my way to college. He was there when thoughts of death filled my head and there was nothing more I wanted but to end my life. He was there when I stared at the train tracks, when I stared at the ground floor from high buildings. I spoke to Him and begged Him.. afraid of my thoughts and the decisions I was considering. He was there when I was insistant on not taking a student loan to avoid riba and despite the money situation.. He helped me. Has there been a time that He disappointed me? 

So I thanked Him and thanked Him and thanked Him, knowing that He will provide a way. 

seeking comfort and getting cozy

I seek comfort in Sundays and the calm that comes with not having responsibilites and lazing around with a candle lit up, its scent filling up my bedroom. 

I seek comfort in slow days, the rustling of the trees, the shadow casted by the sun, the sound of birds chirping, walking in the rain, staring at the sky and being amazed - even after 24 years of living - by the vastness of it. 

I seek comfort in malls and cafes, existing on my own while surrounded by other people who are caught up in their own activies - fiddling with their phones, conversing, joking or arguing with their loved ones, eating and drinking.

I am rooted by those around me - by my small circle of friends consisting of less than 10  people (haha), my fluffy cat and my immediate family members who I heavily rely on (emotionally).

It is only natural to seek comfort in moments, places and people. 

However, from time to time, we are snatched away from our sources of comfort. The moments we desperately sought are taken away from us. The don't have time to go to the places we planned to go to. Our loved ones or are far away from us, or hurt us, or worse: they pass, leaving us sad and confused and filled with questions and uncertainties.

In moments like these, I remind myself that we get too.. comfortable. Allah takes them away from us to remind us the only One we can depend on is Him. He is reminding us that He is the ever-present, the only One who can't be taken away from us: regardless of the situation. He is present when we are happy, when we are sad and overwhelmed, when we are crying, when we are filled with absolute joy. He is present when we are in our rooms, our workplace, in the mall, in the cafes, wherever we go, wherever we hide, even in the deepest darkest most hidden part of the world: He is always present. 

Look at the example of Yunus (alayhis salaam) who was swallowed by a whale and remained in its belly. Who knew of his existance except Allah? Who was present except Allah? Who got him out of the whale if not Allah?

Prophet Muhammad (salallahu alayhi wasalaam) had a year called the Year of Sorrow because his two biggest support, his wife Khadijah (radiallahu anha) and his uncle, Abu Talib passed away. He was absolutely devastated, but he marched on, because in the end, our only true and biggest supporter is Allah. People pass away, people hurt, people are far away from us. But who can take Allah away from us? Allah is ever-present, Allah heals, Allah is always near us. Always with us. Always supporting us. 

In the end, as much as we would like to depend and rely on moments, places and people, the only true One we can rely on is Allah.

And when My servants ask you concerning Me - indeed I am near. 

I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. 

So let them respond to Me and believe in Me that they may be guided.

Al Baqarah (2:186)

Perfectly Imperfect.

The imperfections in this world are constant reminders that this life isn’t our ultimate goal.

It reminds us that we are living breathing creatures on the Earth right now and all we can do is to strive and do our best with hopes that we will one day thrive, but our lives will never come to the point where it will be ‘perfect.’ This world isn’t meant to be perfect because the next life is where ultimate perfection lies.

(Deliver me, Oh Lord, for the waters have reached my neck.
Deliver me, Oh Lord, for the waters have reached my neck.
Deliver me, Oh Lord, for the waters have reached my neck..)

Believing in Islam will not erase your sadness. You will still be sad. Believing in Islam will not rid you of your anger. You will still be angry. Believing in Islam will not make your life smooth sailing just because you now believe in Him, your life will still be filled with trials, until the day you die.

Adam was tested with desires and his children, and he was promised paradise. Nuh was tested with people and patience, and he was promised paradise. Yusuf was tested with sibling rivalry, jealousy, being separated from his family members, jail, and he was promised paradise. Maryam was tested with her child, and she was promised paradise. Asiah was tested by her disbelieving husband and his tyranny and she was promised paradise. Prophet Muhammad was tested with wealth, the death of his loved ones, and he was promised paradise.

Our grieves are not unprecedented. Our struggles, pain and sadness are also the struggles, pain and sadness that were felt by those before us.

Believing in Allah and Islam will not erase your sadness. You will still be sad, but your sadness is with reassurance from Allah that with every hardship comes ease, and that He does not try a servant more than they can bear, and everything happens ultimately for the best. You will remain afloat, your heart anchored with the belief that Allah will aid you.

You will still be angry, but your anger will be controlled, knowing that Allah has taught us different methods of controlling your anger, and that anger is hated unless it is productive anger.

You will still be tested. Allah says in the Quran, "Do the people think that they will be left to say, 'We believe' and they will not be tried? But We have certainly tried those before them, and Allah will surely make evident those who are truthful, and He will surely make evident the liars." Surah Al-Ankabut (29:2-3) For verily the best of people were tested, too. Allah also says, "And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger, and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient, who, when disaster strikes them, say, ‘Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return.’ Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the guided." Surah Al Baqarah (2:155-157)

Prophet Ayyub was tested with a skin disease, his family left him, his wealth left him, yet with nothing, he said, "Indeed, adversity has touched me, and you are the Most Merciful of the merciful." Surah Al-Anbiya (21:83)

Prophet Muhammad said, "Our Lord is amazed at the despairing of His servants (at some harm) when His changing (his circumstances) is at hand. He looks at you when you are in a state of hardship and despair, and laughs, knowing that your relief is close." Recorded by Ahmad #16187 and ibn Majah #181. It is ruled hasan by Albani, Sahih ibn Majah, al-Sahihah #2810

Allah says, "Or do you think that you will enter Paradise while such (trial) has not yet come to you as came to those who passed on before you? They were touched by poverty and hardship and were shaken until (even their) messenger and those who believed with him said, 'When is the help of Allah?' Unquestionably, the help of Allah is near." Surah Al Baqarah (2:214)

Indeed, we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will turn. In sadness, in anger, when we feel that we are tried again and again and again and again and again to the point of breaking, remember: alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, we belong to Him, we will return to Him, this world will remain perfectly imperfect with all of its flaws and unquestionably, His help is near.